Hattie’s Secret Youth Elixir (Patent Pending)

A couple of weeks ago, I was at yet another international event, nothing unusual for my line of work.

But this one? This one was special. Possibly the most flattering event I’ll ever attend. And honestly, I’m fine peaking here.

From Day One of this three-day international conference, two lovely ladies (early 30s at most, and I mean freshly 30) started calling me “Kiddo”.

“Kiddo”… Just casually massaging my 40-something ego like it had booked a luxury spa package. We were instantly besties. Cue an internal smirk.

For the rest of the event, it was:

“Hey, kiddo, can you help out with the guests?”

“Hattie, auntie’s stepping out, be a dear and cover for me?”

“Hattie, lil’ sis, make sure the guests are well informed”.

You get the idea.

Turns out my signature move is to frown publicly while melting privately. Teenager-on-house-chores face on the outside, butter-on-a-sunny-sill on the inside.

Then things got even better. The attendees started commenting, and Spain said I looked 25, Mexico guessed 31–32, and France placed me at 29. Ahhh, the wise ones… Yeah, yeah, Westerners have no clue when it comes to Asian faces. Still, felt good nonetheless.

By the end of Day One, their sweet, sweet delusions had gone straight to my head. I stopped looking in the mirror. My reflection couldn’t keep up with the new branding.

And in my totally selfless, not-at-all-looks-obsessed generosity, I decided to share the secret of my eternal youth, for humanity’s benefit, obviously.

Hattie’s 5 Golden Rules for Looking Young

(Disclaimer: Results may vary. Your mileage may depend on sarcasm levels.)

1. Oily & Tan Skin: Match made in heaven

That sheen? Not just sweat. It’s anti-aging armor straight from the sebaceous gods. Oily skin wrinkles slower, freckles less, and glistens like it’s got a sponsorship deal. Add a natural tan and you’ve basically installed a Nature’s Instagram filter, no ring light required.

(Dry, perpetually porcelain folks: Skip to the next point)

2. Chubby Cheeks: Girls, you are the best

Full cheeks = Baby face. Science? Witchcraft? Don’t care, it works. That innocent puffiness buys you five extra years of mistaken youth, plus, it’s a built-in shock absorber against aging.

Note: Please, avoid your aunts going full cheek-pinch mode on you, unprovoked.

(Sharp-jawed, hollow-cheeked types: Keep scrolling)

3. Be a Little Extra: Balance-shmalance be gone

Someone asked me if I ever plan to grow up. Absolutely not. Being “young at heart” is a full-time job. Pledge yourself, commit to the cause, accessorize irresponsibly, and use the force field. Maturity is for the wrinkled.

(If you’re dignified, graceful, and serene: This tip isn’t for you)

4. Stay Single: You heard me

No spouse reminding you of your mortality. No kids yelling “Mom! Dad!” while you’re trying to flirt with the cute waiter. No grandkids asking if you had a pet dinosaur growing up. It’s peaceful, ageless, and blissfully unverifiable. And no one can fact-check you.

(If you have a loving family and actual responsibilities: Skip)

5. Surround Yourself with Foreigners.

God bless Westerners and their inability to tell if I’m 17 or 47, the only people keeping my age a mystery. It’s why I’ll never stop attending international events. So smile vaguely and let the confusion do the heavy lifting.

(If you’re cliquish… maybe skip this post altogether.)

Moral of the Story:

Before you go digging through your family tree or praying to the anti-aging gods… Get bangs. No one can see your forehead wrinkles if your hair’s doing the hiding.

P.S.

If you’re dew-resistant, moonlit, angular, elegant, married, and insular… This post isn’t for you.